Yelling

One of my goals for this new year was to limit my yelling.  I am a yeller, I don’t think I have anger management issues, I think mostly it is frustration management issues.  

For this year, I have decided that each day as part of my journaling I will write the times that I yell, the reasoning behind it and if it was warranted or not.  If it was not necessary to yell, than I will write ways on which it could be handled differently.  Accountability is a key issue for me this year.

One of the most important reasons that I want to halt the yelling in my family is for my son.  I have accepted the fact when my son was born that every parent screws up their child in some way or another.  It is inevitable. But if you constantly look to yourself and try your best then the degree of screwed-upness may be limited.

Mothers yell out of anger, frustration or fear.  Yelling is natural and necessary at certain points in teaching your child the ways of the world. We yell at our child to keep him out of danger; ‘don’t run onto the road’ or ‘don’t touch the hot stove’. We yell at our child out of frustration; ‘how many times do I have to tell you to pick up your socks and not leave them on the living room couch’ or ‘why did you hit your cousin, hitting is never acceptable’.  We yell at our child out of anger; ‘you broke the glass because you were balancing it on your head, what did you think was going to happen’.

The trouble I have with yelling at my son is I feel like crap after, and I wonder what my yelling does to his self esteem and confidence.

My son is eleven.  I told him that this was going to be my goal for the year and that I would be writing in my journal all the times that I yelled and why.  I also told him that I needed his help.  To help out his mom, he has to let me know when I am yelling at him when he thinks it’s unnecessary.  I also said he has to be more aware of the things he does that cause me to yell at him.

Yesterday we had a discussion on yelling and I asked him how I was doing. His answer to me was very telling.  He said that I was doing great (said with sincerity and not his usual sarcasm) but after he asked me how he was doing.  That thoughtfulness was what made me think that my goal is helping him with his esteem.  He is actually thinking about his actions and how they effect others.

By writing in my journal the times that I have yelled, I have been noting a pattern.  Lately the yelling has centered around my son not respecting things, for example, he wrote on a computer mouse with a blue marker, a mouse that we only got 2 weeks prior.  It was the lack of respect that angered me and I was frustrated that we have had this similar argument before.  So writing it out I was able to see clearer and come up with solutions.  The thing that was the light bulb moment for me was realizing that he is very respectful to people and just needs to carry that over to objects and that I needed to tell him that.  So even though I yelled at him, we both got positive results from it, my realization him hearing that he does have good qualities, even if they are not pointed out immediately.

50 simple ways to show your kids you love them

I try every day to tell my son, Sam,  that I love him, but sometimes words are not enough.

We believe in discipline in our house and consequences for actions.  Most parents I know think that I am too hard on my son.  On the other side of that though, most parents also say that our son is one of the best behaved and well rounded children that they know.  
So, how do you find a balance between being a drill Sargent and a passive parent.

I have flat out asked Sam ‘You know I love you, right?’ and he always answers ‘Yes’ without any hesitation.  He knows that there are a lot of kids around him, school friends, family friends and family that have a much easier time and much less discipline in their lives, but he also knows that he is very much loved and appreciated.

I may not be the best mom out there but my child knows he is loved every moment of the day.  Here are some of the ways that I prove on a daily basis that I love my son.

1. hugs
2. kisses
3. tell them “I love you”
4. tuck them into bed
5. cuddle under a blanket
6. quote lines from their favourite movie, it’s like an inside joke that only the two of you will get.
7. make their favourite dinner - it can be a grand gesture or just another item on the weeks meal plan
8. pack a note in their lunch box - just for the heck of it or to give encouragement for a test or a race.
9. squeeze on the shoulder or arm
10. pat their leg
11. put a photo of them up at your place of work
12. thank them for helping out around the house, even if it is their chore to do.
13. tell others of funny or great things they did when they are around to hear
14. retell stories to them of when they were young
15. make them laugh
16. listen when they speak, really listen
17. measure their body against yours for their growth
18. play a game, either a board game or as simple as a thumb war.
19. go for a walk
20. ask how their day was, ask what the best and the worst thing of the day was
21. high five them
22. tickle them
23. have a pillow fight
24. read together
25. hold their hand
26. put a smiley face on their sandwich or apple
27. make popcorn and watch a movie together
28. make them healthy food
29. go on a picnic even if it’s just a snack in the backyard or balcony
30. let them get dirty
31. let them have a bubble bath with extra bubbles
32. always support your child, have their back.
33. get them a small gift without them having to ask
34. take time off work to go to a school assembly or on a class trip
35. make one day a year not their birthday a special day to do all of their favourite things
36. bake cookies together
37. play rock paper scissors or eye spy when standing in line
38. sing and dance around with the when no music is playing
39. smile at them
40. let them choose which snack or cereal to buy at the grocery store
41. compliment them
42. involve them in your hobby
43. wake your child up with kind words, like “Good Morning Sunshine”
44. make a special handshake together
45. apologize when you are wrong
46. ask their opinion
47. give big bear hugs, lifting them off of the ground
48. blow bubbles on a hot day
49. make snow angles just after it snows
50. tell them again you love them with words

Hiding Vegetables

The trend I dislike the most lately is all of the cookbooks that teach parents how to hide vegetables and fruit in foods. I understand picky eaters, I have two of my own, but I don't understand how hiding spinach in a brownie will create healthy eaters. The one thing I don't do is I don't lie to my family by hiding healthy food. That seems like such a backward way of thinking. Why not tell your children that a brownie has black beans in it or pumpkin, if it tastes good, then they will appreciate the taste and may like that ingredient when it is not surrounded by chocolate. Giving children as much information as possible is the best way for them to learn to appreciate and enjoy new foods.

We need to get children to be passionate about what they eat and why healthy eating is so vital to our survival. Today's children are being raised on a McDonald's mentality, if it is fun and is loaded with salt and sugar than that is the only thing worth eating. Fruit and vegetables are foreign to children because they are no longer a part of their every day life.



What is wrong with telling your children that eating healthy food is good for them? What is wrong with giving children healthy food to eat at every meal. Most picky eaters are developed because parents stop trying to introduce new foods or reintroduce foods disliked in the past. It is much easier to get younger children to try new foods or reintroduce foods than it is older children and adults.

Here is what we do in our house:

1. Always try at least one or two bites of all new food.
2. If a food is not likes it will be tried again in a few months (we always say that to our son that his taste buds grow up and get big too, maybe your taste buds will like the food now)
3. If a food is not liked with a certain cooking process then another way is tried.
4. 5 bite rule. There are times when food becomes part of testing and Independence, at that point 5 bites have to be eaten before the meal is finished, no negotiation.
5. There is no short order cook that works in my house, whatever is made for dinner is eaten by everyone.
6. Food is discussed in our family, health, nutrition and the importance of all food has always been part of our dinner conversations.
7. Dinner is made by everyone so that even the very young can see how easy and important it is to create healthy foods.

Don't underestimate your children. Knowledge is power. The more they know, the more they will learn to appreciate healthy eating.

Bed times

Middle school starts in our house in a week. As I have noted before so many changes are coming. The most debated question in our family lately has been ‘What will the new bed time be?’

Having a bedtime routine is important, especially for middle school aged children. A new school environment, new classes, new teachers, and new more stricter study habits all have to be dealt with in such a short span of time. Good sleep habits will make this transition much easier to cope with.

Moving into Middle school has specifically been challenging for Sam and has changed quite a few of our daily routines. The breakfast program Sam participated in at Primary school is no longer offered in his new school so now we have to accommodate getting up earlier for a healthy breakfast. The new school is located 6 blocks further away from the old school now Sam has to leave the house earlier to get to school on time. The biggest stress inducer for me will be that Sam will now be given much more homework and responsibilities than he had in primary school.

I was amazed that my son had the earliest bad time in his grade 5 class. His bedtime was 9:00, which I think was very reasonable and what I thought was very common. Most of his classmates averaged 11:00 p.m. bedtimes and quite a few were even later than that. How can a 10 year old child function on so little sleep. I don’t think I could even function on only 6 hours or less of sleep a night.

We have found that what works in our house to make arguments over bedtimes nonexistent is when we have a family discussion and plan ahead of time. If Sam knows his bedtime is constant and nonnegotiable than he does not try to finagle a new time or complain about it. It makes for stress free evenings in our house.

During summer hours, bed time is much more flexible. But now that school is starting up again we have to, as a family come up with a new time.

The family criteria for bedtimes is:

how tired and grumpy is Sam in the morning when he gets up
how fast does Sam fall asleep at night
does Sam fall asleep before or after dinner or during quiet time.
how is homework/reading going in terms of comprehension levels
how are Sam’s coping skills throughout the day


After discussions and taking into account the effects of the above and also taking into account Sam’s grade five bedtime (when Sam went to bed at 9:00 he would lay awake for long periods of time and ask to read in bed) and the summer bedtime (when Sam went to bed past 10:30 p.m. he would wake up later and be grumpy for the first few hours), our final conclusion was 10:00 will be Sam’s new bedtime. This will be a trial period for a month and then we will adjust accordingly if needed.

Sam is also aware that this new time is on a trial basis and it is a privilege not to be abused. If he cannot handle the later bed time, it will go back down to either 9:00 or 9:30.

I am looking forward to the new year, challenges and all.

"All I Need is a Stick"

In today’s computer age we all become so dependant on electronics. But what happens when electricity is not available. Children do not know how to play or travel or visit relatives any more unless it is on the television, computer or handheld device. It seems that if it is battery operated or if you plug it in it is fun. Playing outside and getting fresh air is now foreign to most kids.

Here is a personal example of what I am talking about. We visited friends at their cottage and a storm took out their electricity. Their son who at the time was 14 sat around all day complaining about how bored he was and could not think of one thing to do that did not include electricity. When the adults were sitting around complaining about how unresourceful this teenager was, my son came in the room and overheard the conversation. He took in everyone’s thoughts and finally added his own opinion. “All I need is a stick to have fun.” And he is right. To this day wherever we go if he is bored he finds a stick and turns it into a karate staff, a light saber, a sword, a crossbow, a walking stick, a tightrope. The possibilities are as endless as his imagination.

All children have imaginations, that is how they grow and develop, but it seems that at a certain age we as parents stop encouraging imaginative play and imaginative stories. How sad.

Sam went to a camp this week and was the muddiest I have ever seen him. It was also the most fun he has ever had at a camp in the city. He played with sticks and mud and built forts in the woods and fell in the creek. Every evening he came home happy and very tired. It was so good to see him actually taking part in nature and the environment around him.
This is my hope for all children to have a chance to take part in nature again and find joy in no way a video game can.

Back to School

Back to school is still a week away and I am already stressing out. Last year was a difficult one an this is a new year in a new school. A lot to worry about. It is very difficult to not show my own anxiety when talking about back to school with my son. Middle school is equipped with it’s challenges, mostly different subjects with different teachers that have their own likes and dislikes when it comes to binders, notebooks and homework requirements. This school has a pool so more clothes in a normal week. Lockers are a new potential wasteland of forgotten items, and I thought his backpack was bad enough. I am envisioning many trips back to school before dinner to retrieve forgotten books or notes.

Today over at http://www.zenfamilyhabits.net/ I read a wonderful article by Mandi of http://www.organizingyourway.net/ on back to school routines. my life has just been made a bit less stress free.

With the help of the article I have put together my own list of routines that I will implement with the family next week.

Mornings

Eat healthy breakfast which includes a a grain, a fruit and a protein in each meal

Put lunch in backpack (packed the night before and waiting in the fridge)

Leave for school on time (do not do anything that will distracting from that objective)

After School

Empty out backpack (so nothing is forgotten about, homework or food)

Put dirty lunch in sink (wash dirty dishes and refill water bottle)

Organize homework and notebooks (put everything in it’s place for ease of doing homework and assignments due)

After Dinner before Family Fun time

Do homework

Review your schedule, and day-timer for next day activities

Practice piano

Fill out any forms needed for school use (then put back in backpack)

Pack backpack for books and items needed the next day

Evening

Make sure backpack is ready to go and by the door

Pack lunch for next day

This routine should cut down on morning rushing around, enough to have that healthy breakfast. It may be a simple common sense approach to going off to school, but it is something that has always eluded my family. Routines are now becoming common place in our daily lives and it is making us a much happier family for it.